The internet is a godless sinkhole of depravity and minion memes, and so finding true innocence on it is rare. But a recent Reddit thread proves that there are still some people too innocent for the internet to understand, whether they’re kids, adults, or somewhere in between. Here are some of the best stories shared by Reddit users who are too innocent for the internet.
“When my son was four, he asked my mother-in-law if she had er*ctions and got increasingly frustrated when we all laughed instead of answering, so that he ended up shouting, “BUT DO YOU HAVE ER*CTIONS?!”. Turns out he was trying to say ‘directions’.” (secondguard)
“My friend was cuddling with this guy and watching a movie. She recounted the story to us later and told us, “It was weird. It felt like his heart was beating in his pants!” This was freshman year of college. I wish I was kidding.” (slothwhispererr)
“My friend’s little sister had to make a board game for a project. Hers had moles in it, so she called it “Molesters”. Her teachers called her parents and they thought it was hilarious, I couldn’t stop laughing.” (savannahthesnail)
“I had an extremely naive roommate one year in college. One day during dinner with him, he asks out of the blue what the point of performing oral s*x on women was “because it’s not like there’s anything down there!” (ShredDurst)
“My male colleague was 28. A female colleague gave him a hand massage, and he yelled across the branch “Hey, thanks for the hand job!” Luckily we were closed, but it definitely made my coworkers giggle.” (the_hardest_part)
“I know a guy who had no idea what milf meant. Some guys tried to get him to tell our old woman gym teacher she was that.” (justbeyourself)
“When I was little, I had to design a cereal box for school. Since my username in many places is JigglypuffLover2, I named my cereal Jiggle O’s.” (JigglypuffLover2)
“Had a teacher make us do a research project on a music group of our choice. One kid got in trouble for googling “Bare Naked Ladies” in the library.” (Aest47)
“I was sitting on the couch with my son. Just to mess with him, I blew on the back of his head and acted nonchalant when he turned around. Once he got the joke, he did it to me, and I acted surprised. He says, “Daddy, who blew you?” I say, “Hmm I dunno… and it’s ‘who blew ON you.’” My correction must not have sunk in because he followed it up with “Did Mommy blow you?”‘ (vandezuma)
“Around the age of 3-4 my son told me that when he grows up he wanted to be a kidnapper because he loves kids so much.” (Miss__Maybe)
“My son somehow confused the words college and prison when he was about four. He would get so upset whenever anybody talked about going to college.” (Icewaterforall)
“When I was young I mixed up the meanings of the words Penalize and Circumcise. One day a teacher said the other students should be penalized for not cleaning up, I was shocked.” (lethal_forcekins)
“I thought the “Don’t drink and drive!” slogan/ad literally meant don’t drink anything and drive simultaneously. I cried when my dad tried drinking from his McDonald’s cup when he was driving back home.” (avianeyb)
“The gentlemen’s club downtown in our town used to be called “Le Dolls.” When my friend was little and her family drove by it, she would beg them to take her to “the doll store.” Never understood why they wouldn’t let her go until years later.” (scarrlet)
“(In a church) “You all said Jesus Christ! That’s a bad word!”‘ (ViciousKnids)
“I have tattoos and I’ve had a child ask, “When will my pictures show up?”‘ (Pizzamonsters)
“When I was 8, I realized I could smell the lid of a Pritt Stick (child-friendly glue brand in the UK). I burst into tears and ran to the teacher because I thought I was sniffing glue and was now a drug addict.” (UnfairToAnts)
“My nephew caught me playing GTA, so I let him play for a bit. Little cutie stopped at all of the red lights and followed all of the normal driving laws.” (T0xic_Unicorn)
