The Pentagon has turned down Donald J. Trump’s request for a grand military parade in Washington, D.C., citing a sudden outbreak of bone spurs that would prevent men and women in uniform from participating.
Harland Dorrinson, a Pentagon spokesman, said that, within an hour of Trump’s request, more than a hundred thousand military personnel complained that they were suffering from acute cases of bone spurs that would make marching in such a parade a painful ordeal.
“In the history of the U.S. military, we have never experienced a bone-spur epidemic of this magnitude,” the spokesman said. “Regrettably, however, we have no choice but to issue thousands of deferments.”
A statement from the bone-spur sufferers said that they would continue to valiantly serve their country around the world in a non-marching capacity, and offered an alternative to their participation in Trump’s proposed pageant.
“President Trump is welcome to march in the parade all by himself if he would finally like to enlist,” the statement read.
Many sources who have reported on the Trump military parade have cited the fact that even though Trump and the GOP have repeatedly celebrated a victory over passing their new tax plan, a parade of the United States military through Washington would ultimately end up costing the taxpayers.
Borowitz’s satirical piece doesn’t stray too far from what some former military officials have to say.
Retired Army Lt. Gen. Mark Hertling told Time magazine that a military parade “is just not a good representation of what the military does in a democratic nation.”
Retired Major General Paul Eaton told Time: “Donald Trump has continually shown himself to have authoritarian tendencies and this is just another worrisome example.”
The announcement of the Trump military parade also came days after Trump called Democrats “treasonous” for not clapping during his State of the Union address.
There have been a number of reactions on Twitter. Some of them cited Trump’s earlier statements on what would be a great cost to the military.
The major angle of Borowitz’s New Yorker piece, of course, is the tale of Donald Trump’s supposed bone spurs that kept him from serving in the military.
According to MedicineNet.com, bone spurs “can be associated with pain, numbness, tenderness, and weakness if they are irritating adjacent tissues.”
The brilliant satirists at The Onion have put together their own collection of opinions from “real people” regarding Trump’s proposed military parade.
